Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
