life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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