I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
