I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
