I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
