Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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