Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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