god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
