I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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