So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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