I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
