I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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