Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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