I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
