I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
