At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
