I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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