He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
