Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
