Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
