Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
