i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
