some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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