A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
