Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
