You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
