I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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