how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
