You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
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I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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