Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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