My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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