I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
