i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
FUCK WHALES
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