sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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