I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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