:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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