When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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