oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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