Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
