he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
