No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
