Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
