Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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