its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
