Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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