She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
