y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
