I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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