Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
