12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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