oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
