Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
