Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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