but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
