Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
