Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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