bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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