'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
