is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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