fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
