smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Your dad touched me again.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
