the condom got lost in my hair
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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