really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
