you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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