Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I think I died a long time ago.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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