Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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