Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
